I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
