First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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