Buhtt sex?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
