I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
