My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
