i don't plan on having that self control this summer
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
