just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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