I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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