pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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