i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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