Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my shit smells like andre
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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