I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
