my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
