I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
