I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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