Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
