At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
