How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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