I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
