She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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