Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
