one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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