I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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