And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
