clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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