by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
