My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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