i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
