I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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