So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
