from now on my penis is your penis
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
