a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
