So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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