Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
