I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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