I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
