I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
