Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
