Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
