after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
