thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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