I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Do vagina's smell?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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