Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
