For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
