I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
