Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
