Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
