Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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