Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
