I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
