he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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